A. Communication. The most common problem between couples is a lack of communication about sexual needs, desires and feelings. Men tend to be very thin-skinned about any perceived criticism of their approach or performance, while women tend to be embarrassed talking about it or revealing their true feelings. Thus, open communication about what matters to couples on a sexual level tends to be hampered by emotional hang-ups, cultural and religious conventions, ignorance and self-consciousness, all of which they have to learn to overcome.

Again, couples often find it difficult to take their time making love, the climax seeming to be the main priority. But the best sex can’t be rushed. Like a competition, it is the taking part that matters the most, not just who wins! We have to find out what is enjoyable to our partner, what would excite and delight them most, because there is so much to learn, especially how partners like to be stimulated. Communication is vital in this regard.

One of my first sexual encounters involved someone who kept telling me to lie still when we were having sex. Aroused and excited by it, I did not wish to be a passive recipient, but an active giver in return for his efforts, and tried to react in tandem with him. However, with his earlier girlfriend perhaps being passive and unmoving, he found my movements unnerving at first and wanted me to be still. Then he got used to my reactions and wanted me to be even more active, which had a dramatic effect on our mutual enjoyment!

B. Embarrassment. During sex, we may be embarrassed about our bodies, or other aspects like moving, thrusting, oral sex or expressing pleasure, but an active, uninhibited and really excited partner showing appreciation for what we are doing with them is actually the sexiest experience we can possibly have. It may be very difficult to openly communicate about our bodies and what makes us feel good, but it is something we must do if we are going to get maximum pleasure from this unique experience. Your partner cannot read your mind, so he/she has to be told or explicitly shown. It is important to be realistic and honest, because no one is ever privileged enough to be taught the best sex techniques before they meet their partner! It is all trial and error, with some people learning at a faster rate than others. We tend to be ambivalent about sex because we are in acute expectation of it, yet quietly dreading the outcome if it doesn't go to expectations.